Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Alien Abductees: A Profile

A few days ago, I stumbled upon a list entitled “Have You had Alien Encounters?” ( This is a list of 52 signs that someone has had an alien encounter which they may have suppressed; your bollocks-o-meter, like mine, should be going crazy at this point, but evidently there are people who believe this drivel  (type “alien encounter stories” into Google and see what I mean). However, lots of people believe stuff I don’t, so to call this person batshit insane based on just the title might be going too far. So I decided to test my theory by creating a character profile out of the list, hoping that it would be so far-fetched and ridiculous that it would sooth my concerns (and be fun in the process).

This is a list (ironic!) of what I came up with:

1)      They are not well educated. They don’t understand the concept of “sunlight” (“Have seen beams of light outside your home, or come into your room through a window”), or indeed understand that household appliances often emit light themselves (“Have seen balls of light or flashes of light in your home or other locations”). Lightbulbs must send the character into palpitations.

2)      Carrying on from this, they have a great distrust of modern science, hence the distrust of medical staff, the fact they’ve never approached their fridge to find out it makes a humming noise, and “Have had electronics around [them] go haywire or oddly malfunction with no explanation”; they have not yet learnt that machines don’t need to be fed and that if you shove toast in a DVD player it tends to malfunction.

3)      They drink a lot. As evidenced by many of the things on the list, the choicest of which include “Have had missing or lost time of any length, especially one hour or more”, “Have awoken with marks, burns or bruises which appeared during the night with no explanation on how you could have possibly received them” and “Have unusual scars or marks with no possible explanation on how you received them, especially if you have an emotional reaction to them”. These three things may be markers of alien abduction, but are also markers of the fun time I had last Saturday night.

4)      They don’t understand the concept of safe sex. They admit to having “awoken with soreness” in their “genitals”, which suggests they have some kind of STD. They also awake to unexplained stains in their bed. Given that they feel constantly watched, and with the usual results of not understanding contraception, it is fair to assume they may have a few children, especially given that they “Have been suddenly compelled to drive or walk to an out of the way or unknown area”. Every parent will tell you they have wanted to do this pretty much every time their child throws a tantrum, often with the child and a shotgun in tow.

5)      They have some kind of belief in supernatural forces. They think they are psychic and have had telepathic communications with aliens. This could also be explained by them having friends who enjoyed playing practical jokes, but this explanation would require them having friends, which doesn’t seem likely.  Oh, and they believe in alien abductions.

6)      They are homophobic, evidenced by their fear of closets.

7)      They have not worked out that dreams and reality are not the same things, hence believing that their dreams are evidence for being abducted. They would benefit from a copy of father Dougal’s famous diagram (

So there you have it. From this list, I’ve worked out what someone who thinks they’ve been abducted by aliens must be like. An uneducated, alcoholic homophobic with lots of children, who believes in supernatural forces, cannot distinguish between fantasy and reality, and fears and distrusts science (despite owning a fridge). How ridiculous.

What do you mean, I’ve just described 90% of the population of Kansas?
Abject despair at the state of humanity, we meet again.