Sunday, 26 August 2012

The Dressing-Room: Man City

I can only apologise for the poorly rendered Italian accent. Please don't prosecute.

The door slammed back on its hinges as Roberto Mancini stormed into the dressing room, scarf akimbo. The Manchester City players sat in silence, except for Balotelli, who was whipping his teammates with a wet towel. Mancini took a deep and calming breath before fixing his gaze upon Rodwell, who visibly shrank back.

“Why-a you give away that-a free-kick? You-a come from Everton, I-a know, but you have-a to learn you at a club who want to win-a things now!”

Rodwell nodded with a slightly offended look on his face as a City player with his face covered by his shirt (which read ‘Santa Cruz’) took out his phone and immediately tweeted Mancini’s words to a journalist, minus the slightly racist Italian accent. Sweeping his magnificently coiffeured hair back with an immaculately pedicured hand, Mancini continued.

“You-a good player, Rodwell, you-a good, but you have- a to...Mario, Mario, stop-a that!”

Balotelli sheepishly pulled his shorts back up. “Boss, I was just having a penis-measuring contest with Carlos...”

“I know-a what you doing. You know-a you win these things always! Stop-a it.” Mancini turned back to the dressing room at large. “Where is Samir? Nasri, where-a are you?” But Nasri had, once again, disappeared under pressure.

Mancini instead turned to Milner, who was doing shuttle-runs to the far wall. “James, you-a work hard, but where-a the penetration? Not-a that kind, Mario!” he said, and Balotelli once again pulled his shorts up.
Striding into the centre of the dressing room with arms spread wide, Mancini now addressed the whole dressing room. “We all-a have to work-a hard, keep-a the ball, get the wide-a players invol...”
“Boss!” Kompany interrupted urgently. Manicini ignored him.

“You have-a to have-a passion! To jump-a high, to drive at-a the defence...”

“Boss! We have to go! The smoke...” Kompany again; and this time Mancini turned on him.

“No-a! You-a listen! We-a the champions, we cannot play like-a this-“

“No, boss! It isn’t that! Mario’s set the dressing-room on fire again!”

As the players fled in panic, Mancini allowed himself a silent prayer. “Everything will-a be fine,” he thought to himself, “just as soon as Scott Sinclair signs.”