Saturday, 30 March 2013

Don't smoke, kids!

Another Christabel sketch-enjoy, people! 


Voiceover: And don't forget to join us tomorrow on channel 10 when we take a look at the effects of smoking, as part of the 'a healthier life is a longer life' week.

Scottish woman in lab coat: Viewers of a sensitive nature are warned that this documentary contains distressing images of people's teeth yellowed to a sickening degree, as well as the repulsive effects smoking has on people’s hands and fingernails, when coupled with never washing your hands or fingernails.

Bearded earnest presenter: Smoking is very bad. Just look at the effect a few puffs of smoke has on this perfectly white fluffy cotton wool, which is pretty much exactly the same stuff as comprises the human lung and therefore a totally legitimate and relevant demonstration of the effects of smoking on a human lung.

Scientist: Statistics show that 99% of smokers will die, at some point in their lives. Those that haven't died yet are frequently followed around by disembodied letters in the air, often forming the names of critical diseases like 'lung cancer' and 'heart disease'. This can be disconcerting if not downright terrifying.

Presenter: Smoking harms those around you too. In fact you may as well stab people in the lungs and then proceed to repeatedly beat burning ashes into the open wound. Smoking is essentially murder. And suicide. But sneaky murder and suicide. It’s not like going into Homebase and asking for a chainsaw oh god oh god those neighbours are bloody annoying. It’s like going into Homebase and asking for cigarettes. And then getting sent to the corner shop down the road because Homebase don't sell cigarettes. And then purchasing cigarettes and smoking them. Around lots of innocent people.

Scientist: Smoking makes you infertile. But then again, that’s probably good, because if you could have children you'd be filling their lungs with smoke on a daily basis, which is basically the same as being a terrorist.

Presenter: Expect lots of people in white coats using medical terms for what is essentially the bleeding obvious, in order to make you think you're learning new information.

Scientist: If you walk down the street smoking, living beings all around you will drop down dead like flies.

Presenter: Despite all this, there is nothing we can do to stop smoking being 'cool'. It is an objective fact that smoking is cool. It may not be the coolest thing, it’s not as cool as being able to kite-surf, or a small child punching the Queen. But it’s definitely up there. That’s why NHS anti-smoking adverts show men beating up unrealistically sized cigarettes. These are actually other men in cigarette costumes. But the point is, if smoking is cool, but giving up smoking is essentially the same as beating up smoking, that makes you cooler. So go on, be cooler than smoking, and join us tomorrow evening, at 7pm to find out how you can live a healthier, longer life by quitting smoking today.